Rude Christmas cards

Some people are never going to get a card with a robin on it. Your brother. Your best mate from school. The cousin who has been calling you a dickhead since 1998 and means it fondly. A rude card is how you say you love them without either of you having to feel it. It should be cheeky, a bit sweary, and obviously affectionate, never mean. Pick one that fits the pair of you, write your own line inside so it is clearly from you, and send it as a link by email or text. Schedule it for Christmas morning and watch the reply come in before breakfast.

5 things to write inside

Swap in their name. Change anything that doesn’t sound like you.

  1. rude [first name], you're a pain in the arse and I'd be lost without you. Merry Christmas, you absolute legend.
  2. rude Merry Christmas, [first name]. I'd say something heartfelt, but you'd only take the piss. So, take the piss. I love you.
  3. rude [first name], this year you were a bit of a shit, and I'd still pick you every time. Happy Christmas, mate.
  4. rude Right, [first name]. No presents, no speeches, no nonsense. Just fuck off over here and have a beer on Christmas Day.
  5. rude Dear [first name], you're the kind of idiot I'd lie to the police for. Merry Christmas, you bastard.

Questions people ask

Is it okay to send a rude Christmas card?

It is if the person would give it back to you. Rude works between people who already tease each other and know where the line is. If you would hesitate to say it at their dinner table, pick something milder. The aim is affection with a bit of swagger.

Who should I send a rude Christmas card to?

Close friends, siblings, cousins, your partner on a good day, and anyone who has earned the right to be called an idiot. Skip your boss, your in-laws, anyone's grandmother and anyone who is having a hard year. When in doubt, send the funny one.

What if the card is too rude for them?

Write a warm line inside that makes the affection obvious, and the rudeness reads as a joke rather than a dig. You can also schedule it for Christmas morning so it arrives when they are in a good mood and have a coffee in hand.